“我也有话要说”（三十七）成为能说那话的人

也许你早就注意到那个极为常见却又几乎总是被忽略的现象了：明明是同样的话，你说出来就不像那回事儿。每一句话，其实都是有所归属的。“赶紧睡觉！”通常只有父母对不太听话的小孩子说。“好好干！”一般是长辈或领导说给新人听的。

Source: https://web.archive.org/web/20111011121739/http://www.lixiaolai.com/archives/10172.html

I Have Something to Say Too (37): Become Someone Who Can Say That

> By Li Xiaolai · 2010-10-21 · [Original (web archive)](https://web.archive.org/web/20111011121739/http://www.lixiaolai.com/archives/10172.html) (Chinese)
> Our translation from the Chinese original.

Perhaps you noticed long ago that extremely common yet almost always overlooked phenomenon: it's clearly the same words, but when you say them they just don't come across right.

Every sentence actually has a place where it belongs. "Go to sleep right now!" is usually said only by parents to children who don't listen very well. "Work hard!" is generally said by elders or leaders to newcomers. If you're not gay, then when you hear someone of the same sex say gushing, sentimental things to you, before you're sure they're definitely joking, you'll surely feel at least a little uncomfortable, or even have your hair stand on end [[1](#footnote_0_10172 "The gay community should not be discriminated against. But the gay community has actually always known (and should know) that the prejudice of society as a whole is deep and powerful.")]...

In subtler places, the distortion caused by this belonging is [Translator's note: the original writes 敢, literally "dares to be"; 就 or 更 ("is," "even more") is likely meant; translated by the intended sense] even more serious. For example, if you're not the best student in the class, then if you talk at great length about study methods, many people will disdain to listen to you. For another example, if you're not the one acknowledged as calmest and best at thinking, then when you voice your ideas, even if they're right they'll quite likely be underestimated.

Generally speaking, the advice you might get is this: you have to know what can be said and what can't. What this advice means is that you should, according to your situation, choose the words you can say, the words you should say, the words others can listen to when you say them.

However, the more effective advice, although it looks much the same as the advice above, is in fact worlds apart: through effort and accumulation, become the person who can say those words. This advice is more effective because, compared with the former, it's more proactive and more far-reaching. Nobody has everything from the start; the vast majority of things in life can only be obtained by striving for them through effort.

When I was very young, my father taught me that I must find a way to do admirable things from time to time, so that people would come to me on their own to be friends. At the time I didn't understand the reasoning in this; only after I was past thirty did I learn the enormous benefits of always doing as he said. Winning respect is the last thing you can rush; it absolutely can't be done by cramming at the last minute. Because everyone has enough powers of observation, and moreover these people communicate with each other and share what they know, and so the eyes of the masses are sharp... Respect can only be gained by accumulation; this is an iron law.

Sometimes you clearly know what you're saying is right, yet still nobody takes it in. The vast majority of people who run into this situation feel somewhat let down, or even angry, but in fact this often shows only one problem: they haven't yet won enough regard.

Nobody understands you as well as you yourself do, and nobody pays as much attention to you as you yourself do. So everyone actually overestimates, more or less, how much regard others have for them, and as a result goes on to underestimate others' ability to assess. You should know that regard and respect often come much, much later than you imagine. Because the vast majority of people don't understand this, they're always in a state of "can't wait," and end up overreaching themselves, never in their whole lives obtaining even a little regard, let alone any respect.

For those who can take in and are willing to think seriously about this seemingly simple principle, "whether anyone listens after the words are spoken" is an extremely effective standard of self-assessment. If people listen, you know what state you're in; if you speak and others hear without listening, or even have abnormal reactions (unexpected to you), that means you haven't accumulated enough. Then keep saving up. I've always felt that the expression "saving up character points" (攒人品) is not only amusing but actually quite ingenious.

---

Footnotes:

1. The gay community should not be discriminated against. But the gay community has actually always known (and should know) that the prejudice of society as a whole is deep and powerful. [[↩](#identifier_0_10172)]