2.d 推迟满足感

Make Time Your Friend 2.d: Delaying Gratification

> By Li Xiaolai · 2008-05-18 · [Original (web archive)](https://web.archive.org/web/20111113100533/http://www.lixiaolai.com/archives/426.html) (Chinese)
> Our translation from the Chinese original.

The famous American psychologist Goleman (Daniel Goleman), who put forward the concept of "emotional intelligence" (Emotional Intelligence), once did an experiment on "delaying gratification" (delaying gratification). [Translator's note: factual error in the original; the delayed-gratification ("marshmallow") experiment was conducted by Walter Mischel, and Goleman popularized it in his book *Emotional Intelligence*; translated as written]

> [Translator's note: quoted by the author: a widely circulated account of the experiment; not Li Xiaolai's own words.] A group of four-year-olds was gathered; each was given a piece of candy and told that if they could wait until the host came back before eating it, they would get a second piece. Goleman watched quietly and found that some children waited only a little while before growing impatient and eagerly stuffing the candy into their mouths; while other children were very patient and very resourceful, thinking up all sorts of ways such as playing games or telling stories to pass the time and distract themselves, and in the end held out until the host came back and got the second piece of candy. Goleman then did a follow-up survey of how these children performed at age 14 and after entering the workforce, and found that the children who ate their candy later scored on average 120 points higher in math and Chinese than those who ate it early, and also had strong willpower, could withstand difficulties and setbacks, and were more likely to succeed.

It is said that what this experiment shows is that to achieve great results you must not be eager for quick success and instant benefit, must not be tempted by immediate fame and gain; being able to struggle persistently according to the needs of society, without fear of setbacks, is an important factor in achieving success.

Who knows how many books have cited this conclusion and repeated it again and again. But what I see is something else. The fact that "most children had already eaten the candy before the host came back" can perhaps fully prove or show only two things: 1) wanting one's desires satisfied immediately (instant gratification) is the nature of most people; 2) ambition is always the nature of a minority. [Translator's note: the original repeats 是 ("is") twice, 野心是永远是; translated once]

As for whether "holding back desire" can really determine success, the answer can only be "maybe"—like every other "maybe," it is merely some value between zero and one (excluding zero and one). If it were not "maybe" but "inevitably," then all ascetic monks should inevitably succeed. But clearly this is not the case—even among ascetic monks, as in any other group, those who succeed are always a minority. It brings to mind a joke that was popular a while ago: "To master the divine art, you must first castrate yourself—and even if you castrate yourself, you may not succeed!"

Also, you should know that whether a person has self-control and whether that person has talent are actually completely unrelated. There are tons of such examples, past and present, in China and abroad. Wen Tingyun, who wrote "Iron horses and cloud-carved banners together vanish in the dust; the willow camp presses down hard on the spring of the Han palace. In the clear sky killing air gathers west of the pass; at midnight the baleful [star] shines on the banks of the Wei. The Sleeping Dragon of the lesser state in vain awakened his lord; in the Central Plains, who wins the deer is not up to man. On the ivory bed beneath the jeweled canopy there are no words; from then on Zhou is the old minister," was a man whose big head overflowed with talent while his little head never once behaved itself. [Translator's note: the poem is Wen Tingyun's 《过五丈原》; the original as quoted drops two characters: 夜半妖照渭滨 lacks 星 ("star"), and 从此周是老臣 lacks 谯 (the line reads "from then on Qiao Zhou is the old minister"); translated as written, with "[star]" marking the gap] The reason he failed for so many years to pass the imperial jinshi examination was that he was addicted to cheating in the exams. Note: with his talent, he never needed to copy anyone else. He was addicted to helping other people cheat, and couldn't stop himself no matter what. As soon as he got into the examination hall, he'd finish his own paper in no time flat, and then help everyone around him in turn—people gave him the nickname "Save-Save-People." [Translator's note: the original writes 救救人 ("Save-Save-People"); the nickname usually recorded for Wen Tingyun is 救数人, "Saves Several People"; translated as written] What's more, whenever this guy could get his hands on money, he would always go to the brothels and spend it until he was in debt. Even at sixty, he was still boozing and whoring with a bunch of people, and as a result he broke the curfew law and was beaten black and blue by a patrol officer (yuhou)……

Although everyone knows that not every desire can be satisfied, it is a definite fact that we all have endless desires. So, even thinking about it with your toes you can understand that getting something for nothing is one of the many dreams everyone has in their heart, perhaps even the biggest of them. If you can't get something for nothing, then it's best to work as little as possible but definitely to get as much as possible, and the more the better. Going further, most people's views are astonishingly similar or even identical: if there is a gain, it had better come right away; if there is no gain, there had better at least be a result right away. Everyone has this desire; it's just that it differs in degree, or shows itself differently in different respects.

This explains why some people are more easily hooked on gambling than others. Because these people want, or even need, to get results immediately more than others do. Of all the forms of gambling in a casino, the gamblers' favorite is the slot machine. The kings of gambling don't play slot machines, because in this kind of pure gambling they get no pleasure and also can't guarantee a return. But gamblers are different: although these gamblers, like the gambling kings, have a strong desire for profit, deep in the gamblers' subconscious there is another desire that needs satisfying even more—namely, "seeing the result immediately." The slot machine can satisfy these gamblers in this respect—it is extremely simple to operate: pull the handle once, and within five seconds you have the result—whether the result is losing or winning actually doesn't matter; what matters is "having the result within five seconds"!

By the same reasoning, those who drink without restraint, who whore and never tire of it, who take drugs heedless of life and death, who play video games endlessly, are all driven by this "nature of wanting one's desires satisfied immediately." [Translator's note: the original writes 乐此不彼, a slip for 乐此不疲, "never tire of it"; translated by the intended sense] The killer is that society as a whole is stimulating this nature in people in all kinds of ways and making it stronger and stronger. TV commercials tell you every diet pill has miraculous effects that begin working the same day. Medical ads in the newspapers tell you that no matter you've got a disease, don't be afraid, go to him—cured at a touch. [Translator's note: the original 无论你得了病 ("no matter you've got a disease") appears to drop 什么, "whatever disease you've got"; translated as written] All kinds of training courses tell you that whatever you learn, you must learn it fast, because life is short. There is a self-defense class whose every session is packed out; one look at its name and you'll know why it's so popular—"Defeat Your Enemy with One Move"!

Perhaps the commercial institutions best at exploiting human nature are the banks. Want to live in a big house? Fine! I'll arrange a loan for you; pay it back slowly, no hurry, as long as it's paid off within thirty years. Want to buy the latest model of car? Sure! I'll arrange a loan for you; you needn't pay it back too fast, within three to five years is fine. You've got the house, you've got the car, what else do you want? Say it, no problem. Don't worry if you have no money; I can get you a credit card—overdraw, why not—here's a credit limit of 100,000; buy whatever you want! This is an age of "enjoy first"! And everyone is like this! Of course, as for how the banks deal with those who in the end don't pay back their debts, they never mention it in the ads, and avoid making it public as much as possible.

In fact, once you admit that "wanting one's desires satisfied immediately" is your own nature, things become manageable. Because calmly accepting and correctly understanding your own nature is the first step to changing it. Even if sometimes nature is hard to shift and can't be changed completely, you can at least control it somewhat and improve it a little. There's no need to control every aspect of yourself; this isn't just hard to do, it's simply impossible to do. This is especially true for people whose brains are exceptionally active. So sometimes becoming a master requires dullness. The fundamental reason Guo Jing in Jin Yong's novels became a grandmaster of his age was more likely that he was stupid to a certain degree, so that many people or things that were temptations to others simply didn't exist for him; and so, with ordinary intelligence, he could focus for a long time on just the one thing he most ought to do, and in the end became invincible under heaven.

The right way to control this nature is to examine carefully in which respects this nature of yours is especially strong. Once again, take out paper and pen and make a list. After days or even months of repeated examination over a long period, you will find that the list grows longer and longer. Don't be afraid; believe me, everyone is like this—at least 99.9% of people are like this. Then pick out the most important one from the list (if you are ambitious, pick out another one that is also very important), write it somewhere you can see it at any time, and constantly remind yourself that in this respect you absolutely must control this nature.

Personally I feel that controlling this nature in work and study is the most important. In order to be able to control your nature in this one respect, sometimes it is very necessary to indulge yourself a little in other respects. Believe me, getting roaring drunk once in a while is no bad thing. Playing cards for two days and two nights straight once in a while is not only good for body and mind but also a very good social activity. But in work and study, resolutely do not indulge yourself. Work and study are both hard, the road is long, and the results can never be achieved in one stroke. Experience tells us that of course technique is needed in the process of work and study, but techniques that take effect on the spot are few and far between, and even if you find one, it will be only one of two cases: 1) finding this technique has already taken too much time; 2) this technique may have aftereffects; it's just that you don't know about them yet.

In fact, "delaying gratification" is an ability that a mature mind must have, and it is also an ability that can only be acquired through struggle and training. In life, only a very few people end up mastering this ability, and this makes them stand out from the crowd while often leaving others puzzled into thinking, "How come I can't see where exactly he's better than me?" [Translator's note: the original writes 令他人迷惑地意味 ("leaves others puzzledly meaning"); 意味 appears to be a slip, probably for 以为, "thinking"; translated by the likely intended sense] In fact, once you see through it, it's very simple: people who have mastered the technique of "delaying gratification" have long since had the experience of gaining, through it, enormous benefits that only a few people ever gain. [Translator's note: the original writes 获的, a slip for 获得, "gain"; translated by the intended sense] So in the end they show themselves to be "more patient" than the vast majority of people—even astonishingly patient. This patience is used to bear more blows and setbacks without batting an eye, and to face more threats and inducements with ease and composure; it may even be that, merely because of their astonishing patience, those blows and setbacks no longer count as blows or setbacks for them, and those threats and inducements simply don't exist for them……

Again, this is a principle that can only truly be felt and understood through experience—so much so that many people never gain this experience in their whole lives, and can never understand this principle. The passage above, again, though long-winded, is worth reading carefully over and over—try as hard as you can to use your mental abilities to think, to feel, to rehearse it in your mind, and then to grasp the principle and the technique in it. Once again feel the joy of being liberated by using your mind.

Once you truly have patience, even astonishing patience, your life will from then on begin to change earth-shakingly. You will find that you have lost interest in chasing the latest electronic gadgets—which used to be one of the main channels through which you kept wasting time and money. You will quite naturally wait until just before the next new product comes out, buy this one at a relatively very low price, and then, having avoided all the compatibility hassles, let that once-fashionable product become a practical product in your hands.

The University of Virginia psychologist Dr. Anita Clayton (Dr. Anita Clayton) even used the statistical results of ingeniously designed and rigorous experiments to show that all husbands should learn the technique of "delaying gratification" through practice, that is, greatly improving the quality of their sex lives by deliberately reducing the frequency of intercourse and lengthening the time of talking and caressing before intercourse. According to Anita Clayton, sexual repression and unsatisfied sexual desire are directly and closely linked to all kinds of common mental illnesses. She said she was very surprised and couldn't understand why, for a simple problem that can be solved at no cost merely by using the mind, people would either meekly put up with it for a lifetime, or spend a fortune buying expensive drugs or seeing a psychologist—often only for it to end up going nowhere?

Patience has magical power. When everyone else is procrastinating and in the end scrambling in a panic, your life is very calm and unhurried. Because you knew from the very beginning that all of today's ease and comfort may be a cost in the future; so you long ago scheduled some ease and comfort into some period in the future, and calmly complete the corresponding work every day. So you are not only unhurried but also happy. You will become a punctual person, a person who lives regularly, a person all the friends around you trust. You will go to the gym regularly, never fretting that you're slimming down too slowly while, of all things, using dieting or even swallowing laxatives to lose weight—because when those people who complain out of helplessness face despair, you will long since have been a healthy person who has exercised steadily for many years. [Translator's note: this sentence is tangled in the original: 从不为自己瘦得太慢而烦恼的同时竟然用节食甚至吞食泻药的方法去减肥 reads literally as "never fretting about slimming too slowly while, of all things, dieting or taking laxatives," where the sense is that you never do these things; and 那些人因为无奈而抱怨的人 repeats 人 ("people"); translated as close to the wording as English allows]

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