浪费时间的方法：证明自己

A Way to Waste Time: Proving Yourself

> By Li Xiaolai · 2007-04-04 · [Original (web archive)](https://web.archive.org/web/20111113104913/http://www.lixiaolai.com/archives/53.html) (Chinese)
> Our translation from the Chinese original.

Proving oneself is a natural wish for most people, but little do they know that it is one of the behaviors that waste life the most. Because if you are outstanding, you don't need to prove you are outstanding; others will see it naturally; if you are mediocre, you don't need to prove you are mediocre; others will see it just the same. If you are outstanding and still deliberately set out to prove it, you may invite unnecessary trouble, such as drawing the envy of petty people—one of the most frightening things under heaven; if you are mediocre, you probably won't want to prove to others how mediocre you are; in fact, you're more likely to try every means to prove that you're actually not mediocre, and then what others see is nothing but a clown. It brings to mind a saying that's been popular in the world lately: "All dumbfucks are self-proven," and I feel there's actually quite a bit of truth in it. [Translator's note: the original word is 傻逼, a vulgar insult; rendered as "dumbfucks" to keep its register]

Do you want to know why, although you're clearly stronger than the people around you, they firmly refuse to acknowledge you?

First of all, quite possibly, in fact, you merely "feel" that you're clearly stronger than the people around you. Everyone has this tendency. Psychologists observed this fact long ago, and have designed all kinds of psychological experiments from different angles that confirm this universal human psychological tendency. For example, when a team succeeds, everyone tends to attribute the success to their own contribution and ignore the existence of others; when a team fails, everyone tends to blame the failure on others' mistakes and exclude themselves as far as possible. This is called "[self-serving bias](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-serving_bias)."

Besides, people generally don't know themselves. To what extent don't they know themselves? Psychologists did a survey: the vast majority of drivers firmly believe their driving skill is above average. If you have the chance, you can do an experiment: have the people around you score their own looks, 10 points at the highest and 1 at the lowest; then you'll laugh to find that the lowest score most people give themselves is 6, even though some of them look as unbearably bad as I do.

(Some psychologists argue that this is in fact a self-protection function the human brain possesses. I couldn't agree more with this view. Because if you observe carefully, you'll come to this conclusion: in fact, although we always say "what is precious in a person is knowing oneself," very often, for many people, "knowing oneself" may even be extremely cruel.)

So even if you really are stronger than others, other people may genuinely not have noticed, because they likewise feel they're stronger than others—whatever the facts actually are. If you can think this principle through, you'll understand how meaningless your vexation is.

So I often advise the friends around me not to spend thought and time trying to get others to admit that they're stronger than them, because this is something that can hardly be done.

If you can't let it go and insist on getting others to admit it, then take my advice and remember one thing: being a little stronger than others is no use at all; what's really useful is that you are not only stronger than others but stronger by a great, great deal. [Translator's note: the original writes 真正有用的事 ("the really useful thing"), a slip for 真正有用的是, "what's really useful is"; translated by the intended sense]

But do you know what situation you'll face if you do, in the end, become a great deal stronger than others in some respect? Ha ha, it may surprise you—the people around you will stop comparing themselves with you in this respect; they'll give up automatically, and then compare themselves with you in the respects where you're not as good as them! And you know what, in fact there's some sense in their doing this. Because according to the barrel theory (the amount of water a barrel can hold depends on its shortest stave), one single respect does not determine the whole.

The principle is extremely simple to state, but not so easy to put into practice.

For example, sometimes we are forced to prove ourselves. Look around you: most people have a certain amount of ambition, whether they're mediocre or outstanding. The language we use often doesn't make much sense—the ideals of excellent people are usually called "aspirations," while the ideals of mediocre people are usually called "ambitions," but they're actually the same thing. Can't stupid people have ideals? Strange.

But this is exactly where the problem starts to appear.

| | | |
| --- | --- | --- |
| | Outstanding | Mediocre |
| Has ideals | 1 | 2 |
| No ideals | 3 | 4 |

If you're the first kind of person, truly outstanding and also "having ideals," your life usually won't be too hard. Because no one can stop you, just as "no one can stop the wheels of history rolling forward."

If you're the fourth kind of person, mediocre and at the same time without much ambition, life will certainly be relatively calm. When people have known you for a long time, they'll more or less envy you, because you are always "content with your lot," and that calm can't help but make some people envious.

What this world has most of is the second kind of person: extremely mediocre yet with grand ideals. These people often have to use especially weird methods to win by surprise. In fact, they are often relatively successful, just as bad money can drive out good; and the unlucky few who fail are disparagingly called "careerists."

And if you're the third kind of person, then you're out of luck. Because the second kind of person will mistake you for the first kind, and so treat you as their enemy or competitor. The second kind of person won't believe you have no "ideals" or "ambitions." So you're forced to prove yourself, and your life gains who knows how much extra vexation as a result.

This analysis is only preliminary; there's more complicated stuff further on. You should know that understanding yourself is a long and arduous process. My own experience is extremely weird. Only at thirty did I, surprised yet calm, accept the fact that I am in fact mentally mediocre; only after thirty did I discover, delighted and unexpectedly, that my muscle genes are outstanding beyond belief. And then, as I grew older and my mind matured, I gradually discovered that my so-called ideals of the past had far too many meaningless elements—but it was definitely not what mediocre people call "the disillusionment of ideals"; on the contrary, a feeling of things gradually getting better began to appear.

So telling these apart clearly is not easy. Are you really outstanding, or do you merely think you are? And do others really think you are indeed outstanding, or do they mistakenly think you're outstanding? Or do others merely say you're outstanding to flatter you, or are you indeed outstanding but underestimated by those around you…… And the question of whether you're "mediocre" likewise has this many cases to analyze.

At the same time, you've also seen that no matter what you do, it's still hard to win the other side's acknowledgment, because your thinking and actions can't affect their judgment. So trying to "obtain proof" is really meaningless—but I also don't think this is some sign of "lacking self-confidence." Who says self-confident people don't get angry?

However, at this point it depends on your own power of self-control. Long observation and thinking help train your ability to stay calm. In any case, what others think, how they assess or comment, actually has no way at all of affecting your own state in the first place. But once you start getting upset over it, letting your thoughts run wild, even taking some pointless actions because of it, then you are not only unlucky but pitiable, because you have already been swayed. Being swayed by others is one of the most pitiable states a person can be in.

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